fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
