I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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