Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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