We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
