The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
