So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
