I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
