I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
