Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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