So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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