i would punch a child for taco bell
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
