i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
