A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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