I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
