my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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