Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
