My room smells like vodka and shame
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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