So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We smell like vodka and hangover
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