Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
where are my eyebrows?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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