Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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