I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
