i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
