i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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