I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
