My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
