I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
