I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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