How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
