I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
