My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
