my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
