Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
