I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize