R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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