People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
