we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
