so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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