i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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