I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
