Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
