I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
