He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize