guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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