Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
