Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
