I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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