I think I died a long time ago.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
