I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
