The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize