There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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