I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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