ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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