My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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