i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
