He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
