He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
