You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Did I show you my penis last night?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize