and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
